Friday, September 28, 2018

I Kick Down the Door

Over on Chris McDowall’s OSR Discord, Chris Wilson said: “So I need to come up with 60-120 entries for a ‘kick down the door’ table for this slum generator thing.” The Lawful Neutral, Trampoclam, Sigve Solvaag, Wizard, wr3cking8all, and I responded. We wrote a lot of things, but “an answer to the prompt” wasn’t really one of them. Most of these entries aren’t mine, I just compiled them first, meaning that I am now legally the president of weird doors.

Roll in a panic when you don’t have material prepared, or use as the basis for a spooky House of Doors. Pro tip: You can roll d200 by rolling a d20 and a d10; use the d20 for the hundredths and tenths place and the d10 for the ones place. Treat 20 as 0.

A near miss with entry #1 (Scooby-Doo)


d200 “I kick down the door”
  1. Small family pet, back broken by the door’s impact
  2. The door kicks back
  3. Sentient doors; having killed the king, you are now their leader
  4. Dead plague corpses, Save or Die Slowly
  5. Gentrifying elf hipsters
  6. Massive sentient syringes jamming tiny humans into their arms
  7. Another door. Then another. And another one after that. This entire building is doors now
  8. Shop that sells doors. They don’t go anywhere
  9. Shop that sells doors. They all go to the same place
  10. Shop that sells doors.  Just mundane doors. Someone has to do it
  11. Claymore mine. Take 4d6 damage, Save for Half
  12. Outhouse 
  13. Pit to the Veins of the Earth
  14. Eyeball, angry and red after having a door kicked into it, part of the house
  15. Eyeball, angry and red after having a door kicked into it, part of a giant about to peek in
  16. Coffee shop for elephant people
  17. Sad clown in an iron lung
  18. Household infested with blood wasps; lay eggs in your wounds
  19. Inside of a bag of holding; possibly a hoarder’s home
  20. Dumping ground of all things forgotten in extradimensional space
  21. Scruffy man, scruffy wife, a score of scruffy kids. They sing “Every Sperm is Sacred”
  22. Skeletons clacking their pelvises together
  23. Old woman with too many cats
  24. Old woman with too many panthers (one)
  25. Old woman with too many panthers (way more than one)
  26. Sphinx with too many pet humans
  27. Cat with too many pet humans. The door has the words “stress management” scratched into it; the cat looks very smug
  28. Full of jelly. 50% is ooze, 50% is lime gelatin
  29. Single lemon on a pedestal
  30. Single lemon on a pedestal with a note taped to it. The note reads “I don’t want your damn lemons” and there’s a lit fuse on the lemon visible as soon as you can read the note; Take 3d6 damage, Save for Half
  31. Cat canning food factory. They make food out of cats 
  32. As soon as you kick the door open, another adventuring party kicks open the door behind you 
  33. Your own backsides; it’s a spatially twisted tunnel
  34. Wait, that’s not a door, that’s a mirror
  35. Wait, that’s not a door, that’s a mirror, but my reflection isn’t reflecting my movements
  36. Death and Dismemberment table. It’s like a horizontal spinning wheel, but with knives and saws and lasers everywhere
  37. Bakery specializing in prank bread
  38. Smaller door
  39. Table and 5 chairs. At each door is a prop piece of adventuring gear; a conical hat, a wooden sword, some daggers, etc. At the front of the table is a folded panel, a dusty tome, and seven dice
  40. Bottom of the ocean. Water doesn’t pass the threshold
  41. Bottom of the ocean. Water passes the threshold as fast as it can
  42. Drug factory
  43. First room of the building
  44. Post office. Everyone is inconvenienced now
  45. Postal office. Everyone is inconvenienced and in a bloodrage now
  46. Really convincing painting of a door on the wall; take 1d6 damage and sprain your ankle
  47. Lost Treasure of Alachamera. They used seashells as currency
  48. Teeth. So many teeth. Close observation reveals that it is all the same tooth
  49. Teeth. The teeth-shedder lurks in a corner. It sheds a tooth for every child it eats
  50. Fomorian strip club
  51. Mushroom people warren. Blue fog everywhere. Grow mushroom babies for weeks if you don’t bathe within a few hours
  52. Dining hall with the gravity reversed
  53. Dining hall with normal gravity, but all the furniture is nailed to the ceiling
  54. Public grindylow bath
  55. Crippled old man. He makes soup for urchins
  56. Crippled old sea urchin. It makes soup for men
  57. Entrance to the sewer
  58. Harem of the toad king
  59. Jesus of Nazareth in a dark room watching Kill La Kill on TV
  60. Soup kitchen of a snail woman. The soup is secretly her excrement
  61. Extremely fat man standing in a blown up kiddy pool and jogging in place. Two men stand beside him, holding buckets under his armpits
  62. Old woman knitting socks. She’s absolutely convinced that the entire party is her grandchildren
  63. Future ghosts of the party, they beg you to run
  64. Lumberjacks, standing shoulder to shoulder, shifting around nervously. 
  65. Crickets. Sing their song every time someone tells a bad joke
  66. Turns out it was an airlock, you’re sucked out into the cold vacuum of space
  67. Surprise birthday party for the person who kicked open the door. Attendees are everyone they ever killed. Very cordial and the cake is nice.
  68. Surprise birthday party for the person who kicked open the door. Attendees are everyone they ever killed. The cake is nice but the guests act exactly as you’d expect
  69. Thanos snapping
  70. People inventing things to put behind doors
  71. Uncounted monkeys with typewriters
  72. Monster fighting tournament, place your bets or bring a monster for good money
  73. Something belonging Outside is now Inside. There’s no explaining how it managed to get in there or why it was there in the first place
  74. Huge wheel that several humanoids are slowly cranking. They are making the planet spin
  75. Huge wheel that several humanoids are slowly cranking. They are preventing the city from spinning
  76. Rows of seats. A box emits light onto a wall, showing a distant land and forbidden love
  77. Money printers
  78. Man with very tiny loaves of bread, slowly toasting tiny slices in a tiny oven. His name is Melba and these are his toasts
  79. A mouth, it eats you
  80. A mouth, it says hello
  81. Fully functional textile plant complete with huge industrial looms. Apparently a legitimate business
  82. Miniature countryside with blue sky above. Watch out for the ant-sized people
  83. Department for natural science. Reportedly not a real science
  84. Someone important, kidnapped
  85. Someone unimportant, wishing to be kidnapped
  86. Cult of masochists
  87. Library, but all the books are really badly written fanfiction about the party written by the librarian. There are thousands of volumes
  88. Goblins
  89. Goblins experimenting with gunpowder
  90. Goblins experimenting with lasers
  91. Goblins experimenting with an iron man suit (they all get in at once) 
  92. Goblins experimenting with iPhones
  93. Goblins experimenting with a large steel wagon. They claim it travels through time 
  94. Goblins experimenting with goblins
  95. The Kentucky Derby
  96. The Tennessee Derby (not as popular)
  97. Bard with a guitar, she only plays Wonderwall
  98. Inside of a massive clam. The pearl is far too large to get through the door and worthless if shattered
  99. Asbestos
  100. Room currently being fumigated
  101. Full of chocolate. Angry orange midgets attack if you sample it
  102. Family of wereroaches. That was their last door
  103. Empty
  104. Room is a projection on a screen
  105. Door was actually a surprisingly poorly-painted facsimile of a door; how did you miss that
  106. Item you were questing for. Note on it reads “MacGuffin”
  107. Red herring flopping on the bare floor
  108. Brighter but otherwise identical copy of the last room
  109. Maternity ward for beholders
  110. Asylum for the clinically sane
  111. Humble, pious family have just sat down for dinner. Save or become socially obligated to join (the food is pretty good)
  112. Wall. It’s just a door and hinges nailed into the wall
  113. Your mother and childhood home. She invites you and your friends in and asks if you had fun playing at adventures with your pals
  114. Room is decorated with expensive paintings of the door you destroyed. There are trophies and medals on shelves proclaiming #1 door. Framed cross stitching declares “I’m nothing without my door.” An old man weeping uncontrollably
  115. Blockbuster, the remainder of the adventure takes place in the 90s
  116. Two wizards playing nine-dimensional rock-paper-scissors. There are at least 450 hand positions involved
  117. Throne of God. “On break” card on one of the arms; quite dusty
  118. Young man with long hair holding a boom box over his head
  119. A blue ball machine
  120. Peewee Herman’s playhouse
  121. Erotic movie theater with a man--is that Paul Reubens?--sitting in the back
  122. Footage of that one thing from Blood in the Chocolate is playing
  123. French Erotic Film. Terribly put together animation
  124. Man and six young boys all in khaki camping gear, around a fire, telling scary stories
  125. Man and six young boys all in khaki camping gear, around a fire, telling scary stories about a mansion built only of doors
  126. Picture of a black and blue dress. Wait, black and blue? No, it’s yellow and gold
  127. Big mirror on the wall, you see the camera man behind you for the first time
  128. Door kicking gang. They’re impressed
  129. Crash zoom to the face. Take 1d6 damage as the lens hits you
  130. Dungeon Master, looking awkward. This room hasn’t been prepped yet
  131. Cow-pig, describing the best way to cook itself
  132. Your foot adheres to the door as gravity shifts 90 degrees. Grumbles from inside as objects slide around
  133. You kiss the door and it turns into a handsome prince
  134. Universe sized battle scene from Gurren Lagann
  135. Sheltered underground town, also from Gurren Lagann
  136. Man turning into a walrus, screams for help and waves his tusks
  137. Foot goes through the rotten door but the door remains whole
  138. Illicit underground pit fiend pit fighting ring. Why the pit fiends have agreed to this is a mystery
  139. Throat of the Tarrasque
  140. Clitoris of the Earth
  141. Dachshunds in hotdog costumes waiting obediently in line to be eaten by a massively obese cat
  142. Safe injection site
  143. Entirely filled with used hypodermic needles
  144. Room is a hypodermic needle, you are injected into something
  145. Poverty elemental, turns your gold to dust
  146. Marmosets that were doing alright until just now
  147. Nunnery of repressed bdsm nuns
  148. Mom boss level from Binding of Isaac
  149. Dogs playing poker
  150. Walking into the door walks you back out into the hallway
  151. Innumerable unlabeled bottles of nondescript pills
  152. Red pill and blue pill
  153. Nitroglycerin factory, walk carefully
  154. Inside a wizard’s brain
  155. Army of tiny humanoids; their prophecies foretold this day. They are prepared
  156. Someone just farted in here and you can tell what they ate
  157. Disembodied butts. Farts every few seconds
  158. 18th century hospital flu ward. Save vs Flu
  159. Potion seller’s shop. His potions are too strong for you, travellers
  160. Stacks of bodies in spiderwebs
  161. Icky poor people. They smell and you hate them
  162. The physical representation of the wealth gap. On the other side, icky poor people who you hate
  163. The physical representation of the wealth gap. On the other side, icky rich people who you hate
  164. NPC the party previously screwed over; they blame them for their current door-themed predicament. They are right 
  165. Morbidly obese person grafted to couch filling room. Will try to bite you if you climb near enough their head 
  166. Cards Against Humanity. Winning white/black card pairs are brought to life
  167. Child with bleeding stumps of one leg and one arm, screaming over magic circle and suit of armor 
  168. Waluigi’s harem. All of the harem members are also Waluigi 
  169. Hoarder has summoned a being of pure chaos, currently being buried 
  170. Being of pure chaos, annoyed by its hoarder roommate 
  171. Rumpelstiltskin
  172. Being of pure chaos and being of pure law. They’re roommates and have divided the room with tape sitcom-style 
  173. Rumpelstiltskin angrily patching a hole in the floor which emits a sulfurous odor and a red light
  174. Snow globe depicting the Tunguska event 
  175. The players—not the characters—playing a TTRPG
  176. Snow globe containing the interior of a smaller snow globe, in the reflection of which can be seen an alternate dimension version of the person holding it
  177. Ben from the YouTube channel Questing Beast. If killed, all game mechanics from Knave or Maze Rats fade
  178. Entire building collapses except for the door 
  179. Entire city was a background panel and it falls over. Director yells at you to set the scene back up 
  180. Deli run by John Belushi as a samurai 
  181. Gaunt children in beds, tubes run from their bodies siphoning fluids
  182. Healthy children in beds, tubes run into their bodies injecting fluids
  183. Congrats, you found the room where the gong farmer keeps all of the gong 
  184. Save vs Sleep; if you fail, face the dream critter 
  185. Marzipan replica of the crown 
  186. All the royal jewels. All of them 
  187. Inside of a wooden horse full of soldiers. They are near victory 
  188. This room has good bones. If you wanted to flip it you would only need to make minor renovations 
  189. Black-market arms dealer greets you and motions to his wide selection of clasping hands, twitching biceps, and other appendages.
  190. Candlejack, don’t say his name or—
  191. Shrike is in this room. It was fun while it lasted
  192. Dad is teaching a room full of belts how best to hit people
  193. Door groans with pleasure when you kick it, requesting more 
  194. Door groans with pleasure when you kick it, requesting more. If you kick it again you are arrested for public indecency; it was a sting 
  195. Vampire running the Bachelorette. She eats the losers and turns the winner 
  196. Man named Hammond Rye being eaten. He looks inexplicably delicious 
  197. Door is actually a ninja behind a cloth disguise. You've kicked him in the grundle and a few dozen more ninjas come to his aid 
  198. Man screaming snake into a headset over and over. There are no snakes 
  199. Yuan-ti Union meeting; snake-arms on human bodies. They’re discussing how they got the short end of the stick, or would have if they were capable of holding the stick at all 
  200. Roll twice 
The House of Doors: The size of an outhouse on the outside. The first room has a sign indicating a knob and an empty square and another sign indicating someone kicking in a door and a knot of tentacles. Each room has at least four doors, and they're all arrayed in a grid (regardless of size). If you turn the knob on a door, the next room is always empty (unless previously revealed from another direction). If you kick the door down, roll on the table.

A clever player circumventing the fact that kicking a door opens it (The Shining)

Friday, September 21, 2018

The Goblin Laws of Gaming: Trenchcoat Edition

My inaugural post is a GLOG hack, because I am an overambitious fool. It’s based primarily on Skerples’ version of the GLOG.

The GLOG is great. It’s roll-under, the class system is simple and interesting, and character generation is quick and new player friendly. It has a great community already, despite being relatively young (it has its own G+ community, and it’s pretty popular on Chris McDowall’s discord server). Its greatest strength--and greatest weakness--is the fact that the best bits are spread across a dozen or two blogs. If you want to run the GLOG, you need to build it yourself, but once you have, you’ll be able to do it much more easily because it’s really yours.

My “edition” isn’t really a complete hack so much as it is the Character Generation instructions for the GLOG the way I run it. It’s meant to be printed out and used by the players at a physical table with me, personally, so a lot of stuff is unexplained. It also doesn’t have any setting information beyond the stuff implied by the race table, career table, and classes (medievalish fairy tale).

So here it is, for whatever it’s worth.

The GLOG: Trenchcoat Edition


Here’s a standalone character sheet and an explained character sheet, so you can print individual copies more easily.

If you print it, you should be able to take the four character sheets from the back and staple the rest together into a booklet so that the race table, career table, cleric words tables, wizard mechanics, and orthodox wizard school print as two page spreads.

Major Changes:

Cobbled together my own race table, mostly from Skerples’ list and Luke Thomson’s list.

Reduced James Young’s d200 Failed Medieval Careers to a d100.

Changed various stat calculations.

Included an “Expanded Class List,” which links to a list I will continue to update with new classes as I find them.

Players can get 6 class templates (by Level 8). It’s a bit more heroic than a max of 4, but it doesn’t come into play for a while. It’ll encourages early multiclassing, since everyone knows they’ll have to do it eventually.

Rewrote weapon rules. All of them use d6s, and the numbers work out on a mathematical level so that there are several viable combinations of weapons. There are also guns, featuring exploding damage.

Created my own Character Sheet, as well as an Explained version with notes and calculations written into every area.

Fighter
Starts with notches, gains Extra Attack Later

Thief
Added Second Story Work, which lets Thieves skip most climbing rolls, and Artificer, which lets them identify magic things like wizards do. This class is probably going to see some decently-sized changes in the next version; Always Prepared and Great Escape encourage Thieves to be more reckless than other classes instead of more cautious.

Cleric
My own custom class, built mostly off of Beloch Shrike’s Magic Words. Basically clerics roll randomly on tables of words to generate their own minor god, then cast spells using pairs of words. This class will see some changes, too, possibly an XP-for-converts ability and a consult-your-god ability in exchange for their current Identify ability (too much overlap with wizards).

Wizard
Mind spells can be cast as much as you want, paper spells can only be cast once per day (which, now that I understand it, is sort of the mechanical opposite of Vancian casting, I guess). It’s a bit more videogamey. Also condensed Arnold K’s Familiar Rules and bundled them with the class, then wrote up a default rule for “rituals” that can be expanded on-the-fly to build magic labs and invent spells.

So that’s the GLOG: Trenchcoat Edition. I might post more in depth about some of the changes I’ve made later, especially Clerics. I’m going to try to post once a week, alternating “RPG theory” and “gameable content,” but no promises.