Moonhop Failed Careers: A Knight and a Cowboy Walk Into the GLOG

Here’s some more Moonhop.

That's what Into the GLOG is called now; I’m committing to the implied setting. Today, I’m posting Failed Careers (modeled after James’) to go with the Race table I made. Era die size determines max starting era: d12 for Orbital (default), d10 for Digital, d8 for Modern, d6 for Industrial, d4 for Medieval, and skip the first die for Ancient. Many of the failed careers are “forwards compatible,” so you can update equipment where necessary to avoid anachronism (like an Aristocrat in an Orbital setting basically still makes sense if you call the weapon a Laser Rapier). That said, I’m going to use older failed careers exactly as written, even in Orbital settings, for reasons enumerated below.

First, an explanation of the weapon notations as I use them. I'm not totally confident in this method of sorting weapons, but it'll give you a basic idea of each weapon for now.

dX: Damage, Applied Automatically
Armor X: Reduces Damage by X
OH/MH/BH: Offhand, Mainhand, Both Hands
You can hold up to 2 OH, or 1 MH/1 OH, or 1 BH
Throw: Can be Thrown for Full Damage
Xpld: if damage rolls listed value, add another die
Shots: How many shots before reload
Ignite: Save or d6 every turn until success
Jump: if damage rolls listed value, roll damage against nearest target

d12 (Era)	d12	Failed Career	Weapon	Another Thing
1-2 Ancient	1	Astrologer	Augury Knife (d6, OH)	Spyglass
	2	Baker	Rolling Pin (d6, OH)	Delicious Bread
	3	Brewer	Dagger (d6, OH, Throw)	Beer Urn
	4	Embalmer	Excerebration Hook (d6, OH)	Canopic Jar
	5	False Prophet	Gnarled Staff (d6, MH)	Devoted Disciple
	6	Farmer	Scythe (d6, OH)	Ox
	7	Gladiator	Trident (d8, MH)	Net
	8	Outlander	Greataxe (d10, BH)	10 Hallucinatory Berries
	9	Prisoner	Manacles (d6, OH)	Funny Looking Rock
	10	Scribe	Chisel (d6, OH)	Salacious Love Clay Tablets
	11	Shepherd	Crook (d6, MH)	Sheep
	12	Soldier	Spear (d8, MH, Throw)	Shield (Armor 1, OH)
3-4 Medieval	1	Aristocrat	Rapier (d8, MH)	Fancy Clothing, Too Much Chin
	2	Barber-Surgeon	Scissors (d6, OH)	Wig
	3	Blacksmith	Hammer (d8, MH)	Chain Mail (Armor 1, 2 Slots)
	4	Cultist	Wavy Dagger (d6, OH)	Pint of Blood
	5	Falconer	Crossbow (d8, BH)	Falcon (3 HP, d6)
	6	Flagellant	Scourge (d8, MH)	Horrific Scars
	7	Forester	Bow (d6, BH)	Bear Trap
	8	Grave Digger	Shovel (d8, MH)	Sack of Dirt
	9	Jester	Scythe (d6, OH)	Belled Hat
	10	Minstrel	Quarterstaff (d6, OH)	Lyre
	11	Nun	Stick (d4, OH, Throw)	Roller Skates
	12	Squire	Wooden Sword (d6, MH)	Shield (Armor 1, OH) with Heraldry
5-6 Industrial	1	Banker	Flintlock (d6 xpld 6, OH, 1 Shot)	Sack of 30 Counterfeit Coins
	2	Chimneysweep	Barbed Wire Broom (d8, MH)	Endless Soot, Insufferable Accent
	3	Clockmaker	Screwdriver (d6, OH)	Pocketwatch
	4	Cowboy	Revolver (d6 xpld 6, OH, 6 Shots)	Dynamite (4d6, Save for Half, 20' Radius)
	5	Factory Laborer	Hammer (d8, MH)	Tattered Rags
	6	Fireman	Fireaxe (d8, MH)	Bucket of Matches
	7	Gambler	Flintlock (d6 xpld 6, OH, 1 Shot)	Deck of Cards
	8	Mercenary	Rifle (d8 xpld 7-8, BH, 1 Shot)	Chain Mail (Armor 1, 2 Slots)
	9	Milkmaid	Stool (d6, OH)	Bucket of Milk, Smallpox Immunity
	10	Oil Baron	Flintlock (d6 xpld 6, OH, 1 Shot)	3 Wine Bottles of Crude Oil
	11	Revolutionary	3 Molotovs (d6, OH, Ignite, 10' Radius, Throw)	Pamphlets Decrying Status Quo
	12	Street Magician	Brass Knuckles (d6, OH)	Top Hat, White Rabbit
7-8 Modern	1	Actor	Prop Sword (d6, MH)	1 Bunch Flowers
	2	Athlete	Javelin (d8, MH, Throw)	Pole Valuting Pole
	3	Boy Scout	Pocket Knife (d6, OH)	50' Rope
	4	Detective	Snubnosed Pistol (d6 xpld 6, OH, 6 Shots)	Trenchcoat with Deep Pockets
	5	Mafia Thug	Tommy Gun (d6 xpld 1-2, BH, 3 Shots)	Ragged Suit
	6	Philosopher	Book (d6, OH)	Pack of Cigarettes
	7	Photographer	Camera Stand (d6, MH)	Film Camera
	8	Pilot	Revolver (d6 xpld 6, OH, 6 Shots)	Flak Vest (Armor 1, 2 Slots)
	9	Professor	Metal Meterstick (d8, BH)	Pipe, 3 Smokes of Tobacco
	10	Prostitute	Whip (d6, MH)	Restraints
	11	Spy	Butterfly Knife (d6, OH)	1 Dose Lethal-If-Ingested Poison
	12	Stoner	Tree Branch (d8, BH)	6 Joints
9-10 Digital	1	Audio Engineer	Boom Mic (d10, BH)	Boombox, 1 min Audio Storage
	2	Chemical Engineer	Carbon Steel Knife (d8, OH)	Industrial Explosives (6d6, Save for Half, 40')
	3	Drug Dealer	Uzi (d6 xpld 1-2, OH, 3 Shots)	1 Packet Crack
	4	Hacker	Taser (d8, OH)	50' Programmable Blinking Lights
	5	Legislator	Cane Gun (d6 xpld 6, MH, 1 Shot)	1d100 Bribe
	6	Pizza Delivery	Hubcap (d6, OH, Throw)	6 Pizzas
	7	Plumber	Pipe Wrench (d6, OH)	Large Bottle of Glue
	8	Roboticist	Shoulter-Mounted Robot Arm (d8, OH)	Camera Drone, 1 Hour Battery
	9	Student	Bookbag (d6, MH)	1d10,000 Crippling Debt
	10	Tech Support	Pipe Wrench (d6, OH)	Paired Radios, Unmitigated Rage
	11	Weatherman	Brass Knuckles (d6, OH)	3-Day Weather Predictor
	12	Zookeeper	Spiked Electric Cow Prod (d10, BH)	Necklace of Teeth
11-12 Orbital	1	Anti-Riot Police	Shotgun (2d4 xpld 4, BH, 6 Shots)	Riot Shield (Armor 1, OH), 3 Smoke Grenades
	2	Bionic Surgeon	Cauterization Dagger (d8, OH)	Bionic Eye and Viewing Pad
	3	Bureaucrat	Silenced Pistol (d6 xpld 6, OH, 6 Shots)	Blackmail on Local Leader
	4	Geneticist	Invalid Trophy (d6, OH)	Mutant Baby
	5	Hooligan	Bat with Nails (d8, MH)	Hoverboard
	6	Laser Engineer	3 Laser Pointers (2d6, OH, 1 Shot Ever)	3 Flexible Mirrors
	7	Scrapper	Crowbar (d6, OH)	Strong Electromagnet
	8	Space Pilot	Laser Pistol (5d6, OH, 1 Shot Ever)	Bottle of Whiskey
	9	Spaceship Engineer	Coil Pistol (d6 jump 6, OH, 6 Shots)	Blowtorch
	10	Supersoldier	Assault Rifle (d8 xpld 1-3, BH, 6 Shots)	Battle Armor (Armor 2, 4 Slots)
	11	Survivor	Rusty Knife (d6, OH, Throw)	Irradiated Jeans, Irradiated Genes (Sterile)
	12	Warlord	Spiked Scepter (d8, MH)	Outfit with Too Many Spikes (Armor 1, 2 Slots)

And now a quick aside about the world of the video game Rimworld:

In Rimworld, humans fly around their arm of the Milky Way at sublight speeds in cryosleep, colonizing planets. Every time a planet gets to a certain tech level, it either becomes a singularity and cuts off contact with everyone OR it nukes itself into ruins. That’s not the end, though: eventually, survivors rebuild from the stone age up. This has been going on for a long time. In the actual game part of Rimworld, you manage a colony of people whose cryosleep ship has crashed into a world on the rim of the arm of the Milky Way. Your characters get a random childhood and a random adulthood, and they don’t even have to be from the same tech level: you might get a medieval serf kid who grew into a spacefaring mercenary, or a gene-modded super soldier child who grew up to be a librarian.

So basically, I’m trying to do something similar here. Every moon is at a different tech level, so player characters can be from any tech level, presumably abducted into space. Humans get two failed careers, so most of them will actually be transplants from one tech level to another, which is neat. A game might start with a Barber-Surgeon, a Cowboy, and a Hacker sharing a last drink before a lethal dungeon-delve. That’s good shit.

Also I realized that I had left off a major inspiration for Moonhop: Enter the Gungeon, which is just fantastic all around. It’s super gonzo, it oozes charm and fun, and it still manages to pull off interesting, melancholy NPCs. It also has a great implied world, one very similar to what I’m trying to build here, with lots of anachronism and desperate adventurers blundering around the universe. I’ll probably do a more in-depth post on it at some point in the future, separate from Moonhop.

Starbound isn't currently on the list of inspirations, but I love it a lot and at some point
I'll realize some fundamental piece of Moonhop is lifted from it (Lili Ibrahim)

This image was like two months of controversy in the Starbound community, you have no idea (Starbound)